I had my last cigarette July 13, 2011. It has now been nearly 3 months. I used nicotine patches in the step down program. Starting with the 21mg patches for two weeks, then 14mg. I was supposed to do the second step for two weeks, but I was changing the patches every other day instead of daily. I became severely ill, requiring hospitalization in ICU where I initially went a few days without any patches, then I allowed the nurses to apply one patch during the rest of my stay and refused the others. Long story short, the second step I eventually stopped altogether, never hitting the last step. Although I think it's a good idea to keep some patches around to help with the occasional nicotine craving, I'm not sure if that's recommended.
Right now I feel proud. I've begun wearing beads symbolic for my quitting. I make and apply one for every month I live clean. It could add up to a lot so I figured right now I'm wearing black beads one for each month. God willing if I hit a year, then I'll change to white and apply one for every year. It helps to motivate me to make it to the next beading. As a matter of fact, it has been an extremely difficult week until it is the only thing that kept me half way strong in my conviction to stay smoke free. It's so hard.
A pharmacist told me that nicotine had been moved up in the schedule of addictiveness to the likes of heroine. Heroine! It's the reason my brain stays stuck on cigarettes, why I crave to feel the smoke in my lungs and to blow it out. My mind is trapped into obsessing about cigarettes while simultaneously hating them and hating myself for it.
Either way, this weekend I am preparing my third set of beads for my monthly sacrifice. It's hard, a work that takes place minute by minute, and just struggling to outlast the next craving. Sometimes I am afraid of slipping, but it is a fear I will hold lifelong.
