Today

I'm at about four cigarettes daily, so far... .
I'm feeling a little better about other things in my life and beginning to regain the strength I need. It isn't a matter of knowing I can quit, because I can. It's a matter of that sticking, and right now that isn't my priority.

What is a priority is getting my mind together and obtaining the level of peace that I've had before. I feel things slowly returning, day by day. Yesterday, I obtained peace over one thing, today I attained it over something else. Life is good and so is God.

I do, however, try to limit myself. When I want a cigarette, I consciously think, "When was the last time I had one? Is it urgent that I have one right this second? Am I really in withdrawal or is my mind just craving?" Some of those questions really make me realize I don't need one this second or that I just had one. Even smoking at my worst/most, I rarely took cigarette breaks at work. I reoccupy my mind and am able to skip the ones I would've had. Even if that's just one or two, it's one or two less that my body has to deal with.

My new rules for myself is that I must eat first before having a cigarette. That has helped to maintain my weight. I have to drink water. On the weekends, my first cigarette is frequently noon or 1pm.

I'm blessed... thank God, I'm blessed.

Relapse

Chaos by Ken Fermoyle

As of 3 weeks ago, I've had a gentle relapse... and by 'gentle,' I mean gentler than the behaviors that came before it. My other addictions became so far out of control, I became a person (now in hindsight) that I don't even recognize. Thank God I didn't have any accidents or kill myself or anyone else trying to drive home the way I was. My sexual addiction got the best of me, which caused an explosion in my home. Though forgiven, I was handed a pack of cigarettes and directed that the smoking addiction was one he could deal with, but no others.

It's been a rough ride. I have not decided that I will give up, but rather I'm experiencing a relapse and that is part of the addiction process. I won't be beating myself up about it. I'll be restarting to quit again, but some counseling and Wellbutrin is in my near future. The worse I make myself feel about this, the less likely I will ever quit again. This ain't the first time and won't be the last it seems.

At this point, I'm just trying and struggling to get some sense of normalcy back in my life. I hate that I'm an addict to anything, but I am. It also isn't just the smoking that I'm addicted to so it's definitely time for me to deal with it. I don't want to be stuck my entire life wondering why my life doesn't work. I want to make it work and feel good about myself, free of all addictions.

It's so funny to think back to a time before all this. How simple everything seemed, how much promise I had, how many opportunities. I breathed air as deeply as I've been inhaling booze. Back then, I drank in life. I woke up with the sun and lived graciously under it. Whatever happened to that?