2 Weeks, 4 Days

I almost feel that this countdown of days is becoming more somber. I'm beginning to recognize that the smoking was a mere "symptom" of some deeper problems. I am an addict in ways that were buried by the smoking, other ways that are now surfacing.

I've calmed down on the food, as the feeling of being overfull is nauseating and unpleasant to say the least. I still love my gummis and may be consuming too many of those, but it's the one thing that really appeals to the oral fixation aside from sucking on various objects not traditionally meant for sucking on. The electric smokeless cigarettes help marginally, as for now, the idea of the habit has passed and all I really want is a way to get the high I'm craving.

I've done more drinking in the past couple of weeks. I've always joked about how much I can drink, but I can drink and can do so every day, twice daily or continually in gradual amounts. This is one area that really scares me. The last thing I need is to leave a smoking addiction behind and pick up an alcohol addiction. So, for right now, I have not purchased anymore spirits of any kind. I don't drink until I'm drunk, but the point is not to drink just because I can't get to any tobacco or because I'm stressed.

Sex is another addiction I've fought for years, many in fact. It may seem like a cool addiction to have on the surface (as I've been told by a few men), but in reality it is extremely destructive. I am fortunate that I've adopted a group of people and a culture that facilitates and appreciates variety, mostly without sexual contact or exchange of body fluids. It feeds that desire without having to have someone penetrate me and I'm glad for it. However, lately, I have felt a strong urge to have that level of intensity with someone outside of my relationship. We are open to an extent, but this is just beyond that boundary and I'm standing at the edge of my cliff, looking over and leaning forward. The beginning of the cycle for me, the cycle that sucks me in until I'm possessed by it.

I still do have those pieces of nicotine gum and still have enough fear in me about them to not use them. I'm conflicted with the idea of returning a substance into my body that I've struggled to get out. It's that ex-boyfriend that was really good in bed, but after ending badly you still keep his number around (just in case). Yeah, just in case.

Image: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/77/181892402_d13a56047c.jpg

Articles of note: Army Medicine: Smoking Cessation & Weight Gain and HealthyMind.com

Milestone: 2 weeks to 3 months

Between 2 weeks and 3 months, your circulation improves, walking becomes easier and you don’t cough or wheeze as often. Phlegm production decreases. Within several months, you have significant improvement in lung function.

Source: Highlight Health at http://www.highlighthealth.com/diseases-and-conditions/smoking-cessation-timeline-what-happens-when-you-quit/

Image: http://therealestatecoconut.com/2008/07/

Day 14

It has been a tremendous battle for me lately. The cravings are severe and have lasted a lot longer than they had before. I have needed constant reminders as to 'why the hell I'm quitting in the first place.' For those days, I'm very happy to have started this blog as it has been a source of strength for me to come back to and re-read and re-focus. Headaches, light-headedness, dizziness, nausea, facial flushing... .

I'm beginning to believe the underlying reason I smoked was to settle some imbalance within my body. I go through these horrendous depression spells, deeper than any I've experienced in years. I can't shake them, I hate feeling so out of balance. My goal will be to go see my doctor by the end of this week for anti-depressants. I need to stabilize or I see this as being the reason I relapse and begin smoking again. The habit of the motions, I'm fine without those, but the depression ignites furious cravings that bring me to my knees.

I've been continuing with the incense and slowed some on the spiritual baths. Thank the gods, I've had plenty of rainwater to work with. I need to go get a larger tank. These things have been a source of great comfort for me and have helped me to make it through some of the most uncertain moments.

Gummi bears continue to be another source of comfort. If I combine gummis and incense, man! My brain is off on a journey. I guess it helps to be an addict, lol. We can make ourselves addicted to whatever we want to and get similar effects. Sex is even better.

An unexpected suggestion and support this weekend at work though. A worker told me that she had quit smoking almost 10 years ago. She handed me 2 pieces of nicotine gum and told me that the only way she could make it all those years was to have an emergency stock of nicotine gum handy. She said she didn't use it to quit but keeps it on those occasions when the craving overtakes you, kind of like that red box with the pull switch to alert for a fire. Never need it, but it's there in case you do. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I haven't had any nicotine in my system for 14 days now and am afraid to take any. I will, however, keep those nicotine gums at hand in case of an emergency. As a true addict, I know that if caught in a situation of holding that stick again I may never be able to put it back down.

DAYS 4 AND 5

It has been such a difficult weekend. I know I always smoked more at work, this past relapse around, but I didn't realize how much I depended on it for stress relief. It was so hard to remember that I'm not smoking anymore, I had to keep telling my body, "You don't even have any cigarettes to smoke!" The thoughts were practically non-stop, cravings equally unrelenting. I was just glad when the pace picked up to where I could no longer think about it. I kept thinking to borrow one, it's okay, just one is all and I can restart again tomorrow.

I fought to remember that my body actually felt better than it has in a long time. I didn't realize how sick I had made myself by smoking because my body just became accustomed to functioning in substandard conditions. Now, I feel fresh, alive, awake, my bodily functions are going better than they have before. I'm eating a lot more, but it's almost a relief as I struggled to get through one donut at one time. It's nice to taste delicious food and enjoy it for a change, now all I have to do is work out before I really gain some weight.

My mind is, however, lacking. On this retarded website I found that gives 10 reasons to smoke cigarettes, number 7 states "Nicotine stimulates the brains, improves memory and the quality of data processing." Today has been awful for my mental processing and memory. My brain feels like it's swimming in a lake of tar. I'm thinking that this may just be a stage of the withdrawal. I'm going to supplement with Vitamin B 12 and Gingko biloba, add exercise this week and see how my mental clarity ends up.

Prayers to me to get a new position offered at my job. I'm excited and encouraged. I'm hoping they choose me out of the others that have applied, I'm praying my recent lifestyle choices have earned me some favor when it comes to this job. I'll be a better choice as a non-smoker.