I had my last cigarette July 13, 2011. It has now been nearly 3 months. I used nicotine patches in the step down program. Starting with the 21mg patches for two weeks, then 14mg. I was supposed to do the second step for two weeks, but I was changing the patches every other day instead of daily. I became severely ill, requiring hospitalization in ICU where I initially went a few days without any patches, then I allowed the nurses to apply one patch during the rest of my stay and refused the others. Long story short, the second step I eventually stopped altogether, never hitting the last step. Although I think it's a good idea to keep some patches around to help with the occasional nicotine craving, I'm not sure if that's recommended.
Right now I feel proud. I've begun wearing beads symbolic for my quitting. I make and apply one for every month I live clean. It could add up to a lot so I figured right now I'm wearing black beads one for each month. God willing if I hit a year, then I'll change to white and apply one for every year. It helps to motivate me to make it to the next beading. As a matter of fact, it has been an extremely difficult week until it is the only thing that kept me half way strong in my conviction to stay smoke free. It's so hard.
A pharmacist told me that nicotine had been moved up in the schedule of addictiveness to the likes of heroine. Heroine! It's the reason my brain stays stuck on cigarettes, why I crave to feel the smoke in my lungs and to blow it out. My mind is trapped into obsessing about cigarettes while simultaneously hating them and hating myself for it.
Either way, this weekend I am preparing my third set of beads for my monthly sacrifice. It's hard, a work that takes place minute by minute, and just struggling to outlast the next craving. Sometimes I am afraid of slipping, but it is a fear I will hold lifelong.
Car Ban
So far, I've been successful in my decision not to smoke in the car anymore. I believe because it was more than a general decision, more than part of a quit smoking process. In the end it will benefit me to slowly stop smoking in the places and times that I like to, but it immediately benefitted my family.
I have never smoked in the car at the same time my family was in the car, but there are other ways that smoking affects others without direct contact with the smoke. The oily residue from the burned tobacco remains in the car and gets onto skin and into lungs. I don't even want to begin a discussion on the ash tray and the odors that emits.
I thank God for the strength and ability He has blessed me with this weekend (which includes no longer smoking in the car). I am thankful for the ability to change my attitude towards others, and being more positive today. I have already noticed the look of surprise when some people who previously got the vibe that I was unapproachable were able to find me inviting today. I got much more positive energy back from the people I work with. While I'm not thrilled with my current job, I will still strive to be the best person I can be while there. It has more to do with my spiritual health than with the injustices I experience.
I have never smoked in the car at the same time my family was in the car, but there are other ways that smoking affects others without direct contact with the smoke. The oily residue from the burned tobacco remains in the car and gets onto skin and into lungs. I don't even want to begin a discussion on the ash tray and the odors that emits.
I thank God for the strength and ability He has blessed me with this weekend (which includes no longer smoking in the car). I am thankful for the ability to change my attitude towards others, and being more positive today. I have already noticed the look of surprise when some people who previously got the vibe that I was unapproachable were able to find me inviting today. I got much more positive energy back from the people I work with. While I'm not thrilled with my current job, I will still strive to be the best person I can be while there. It has more to do with my spiritual health than with the injustices I experience.
First Step
One of my favorite places to smoke was in my car. My plan was to stop smoking in the car on Monday, but I noticed something on Friday that just made me think. My boyfriend was with me in my car and I noticed he was coughing quite a bit. When we stopped at a gas station, I took the whole ashtray (can) and threw it in the garbage while he went inside to pay and decided my plan would have to start that night. Since I've thrown away the ashtray, I noticed almost immediately a decrease in his coughing. No more smoking in the car.
It will take some work and a lot of mental strength because smoking on my way to work has been a routine ever since my last relapse. It is humbling (and not in a good way) to know that my addiction is causing my boyfriend to cough.
Yesterday, I had to be around my boyfriend's brand new nephew. He is 1.5 months old and very cute. I purposefully left the cigarettes at home because I didn't want the tobacco oils to be on my skin in case I touched him. It was rough by the time we got home, but I made and and will do it again. Part of the withdrawal is mental and I just had to re-occupy my mind. I haven't quit smoking yet, so I had to remind myself that the cancer sticks haven't gone anywhere and I just needed to calm down! I was away long enough to experience some anger and agitation, palpitations and dizziness. Otherwise, I made it through and was able to hold the baby without feeling guilty that I'm transferring toxins to his delicate skin. That is a blessing and I thank God for giving me the strength and thought to do that.
I'm continuing my practice of monitoring my mouth and the things I say to people and the way I act as well. It is so easy to fall into a pattern that is not beneficial in my interactions with others. As a matter of fact, it's encouraged in today's times. When someone wrongs me, I have numerous people around me that will say, "Well, did you cuss him/her out?" It's almost like an expected next step. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be anyone's doormat to take any type of abuse people are attempting to throw at me, but I will be monitoring myself for my response and the appropriateness of it. Cursings are far more spiritual than people take them to be in today's times, and much more readily accepted. That fact may be the cause for why we have so much suffering in general within our society. So while I'm cleaning up my lungs, I'll need to clean up my mouth.
It will take some work and a lot of mental strength because smoking on my way to work has been a routine ever since my last relapse. It is humbling (and not in a good way) to know that my addiction is causing my boyfriend to cough.
Yesterday, I had to be around my boyfriend's brand new nephew. He is 1.5 months old and very cute. I purposefully left the cigarettes at home because I didn't want the tobacco oils to be on my skin in case I touched him. It was rough by the time we got home, but I made and and will do it again. Part of the withdrawal is mental and I just had to re-occupy my mind. I haven't quit smoking yet, so I had to remind myself that the cancer sticks haven't gone anywhere and I just needed to calm down! I was away long enough to experience some anger and agitation, palpitations and dizziness. Otherwise, I made it through and was able to hold the baby without feeling guilty that I'm transferring toxins to his delicate skin. That is a blessing and I thank God for giving me the strength and thought to do that.
I'm continuing my practice of monitoring my mouth and the things I say to people and the way I act as well. It is so easy to fall into a pattern that is not beneficial in my interactions with others. As a matter of fact, it's encouraged in today's times. When someone wrongs me, I have numerous people around me that will say, "Well, did you cuss him/her out?" It's almost like an expected next step. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to be anyone's doormat to take any type of abuse people are attempting to throw at me, but I will be monitoring myself for my response and the appropriateness of it. Cursings are far more spiritual than people take them to be in today's times, and much more readily accepted. That fact may be the cause for why we have so much suffering in general within our society. So while I'm cleaning up my lungs, I'll need to clean up my mouth.
Grabbing the Reigns
I need to begin again to grab the power that I have stored within my body and mind. I begin this journey much more slowly so that I can absorb every aspect of what it is that I am trying to accomplish. This time I will reflect on the psychology of my smoking habit.
Why I started in the first place.
My childhood friend and I were about 12 or 13 and thought it would be neat to try. Then we were able to buy cigarettes on our own.
I thought it was cool as a child.
I thought it would make me more grown up.
I had no concept of danger or addiction.
Why I continued to smoke throughout the years.
It calmed me when I was upset.
It gave me something to do when I was bored.
It was an alternative to hunger when I was unable to eat.
It was calming during deployment and gave me a sense of something that resembled home.
I can not possibly quit again, it will be too hard.
I relapsed.
Why I want to quit.
I feel guilty every time I light up that I am adding toxins to my body.
I am on a quest to purify my body and this is one hurdle that is a hinderance.
I am ashamed for my children to see me smoke.
I am fearful that they will decide to smoke (especially being old enough to buy cigarettes).
I have a cavity in a tooth that is located on the side where I often smoke.
I want my smile to be beautiful.
I do not want to feel heavy, tired, and like there is someone sitting on my chest.
I want to be released from the demands of my body for nicotine; able to do something without having to have a cigarette before doing it.
I want to re-become the happy carefree person I was during the times I did quit for extended periods of time.
I want to be closer to God without having to re-sanitize to address Him.
None of the reasons I had for starting still apply.
This period of meditation is focused on habits and the vices of the mouth.
The reasons I listed above will be meditated on until I formulate my plan to begin to quit again. It may be a week, it may be two. However long it takes, I intend on getting in touch with myself again before going onto the next step. I will be patient and realize that I did not become addicted in one day or one week. I, likewise, will need more than a day or week to release myself of this burden. I will also ignore the ignorance of others where I meet with it while I follow this process so that I will not be discouraged.
Along with realigning myself in regards to smoking, I must also realign myself spiritually. I must monitor what I say to others and how I say it. I will work so that I do not hurt other people's feelings with my words and my actions. I will work to not talk idly through measuring and wisdom. I will begin to delete curses from my mind's computer and my mouth. Any promises I make will be held true, otherwise I need to learn the wisdom of keeping my mouth shut.
Key goals of the 77 Commandments
1. Thou shall not cause suffering to humans.
5. Thou shall not cause suffering to others.
20. Thou shall not be impure.
21. Thou shall not refuse to listen to words of justice and truth.
51. Thou shall not act with insolence.
54. Thou shall not be impatient.
Why I started in the first place.
My childhood friend and I were about 12 or 13 and thought it would be neat to try. Then we were able to buy cigarettes on our own.
I thought it was cool as a child.
I thought it would make me more grown up.
I had no concept of danger or addiction.
Why I continued to smoke throughout the years.
It calmed me when I was upset.
It gave me something to do when I was bored.
It was an alternative to hunger when I was unable to eat.
It was calming during deployment and gave me a sense of something that resembled home.
I can not possibly quit again, it will be too hard.
I relapsed.
Why I want to quit.
I feel guilty every time I light up that I am adding toxins to my body.
I am on a quest to purify my body and this is one hurdle that is a hinderance.
I am ashamed for my children to see me smoke.
I am fearful that they will decide to smoke (especially being old enough to buy cigarettes).
I have a cavity in a tooth that is located on the side where I often smoke.
I want my smile to be beautiful.
I do not want to feel heavy, tired, and like there is someone sitting on my chest.
I want to be released from the demands of my body for nicotine; able to do something without having to have a cigarette before doing it.
I want to re-become the happy carefree person I was during the times I did quit for extended periods of time.
I want to be closer to God without having to re-sanitize to address Him.
None of the reasons I had for starting still apply.
This period of meditation is focused on habits and the vices of the mouth.
The reasons I listed above will be meditated on until I formulate my plan to begin to quit again. It may be a week, it may be two. However long it takes, I intend on getting in touch with myself again before going onto the next step. I will be patient and realize that I did not become addicted in one day or one week. I, likewise, will need more than a day or week to release myself of this burden. I will also ignore the ignorance of others where I meet with it while I follow this process so that I will not be discouraged.
Along with realigning myself in regards to smoking, I must also realign myself spiritually. I must monitor what I say to others and how I say it. I will work so that I do not hurt other people's feelings with my words and my actions. I will work to not talk idly through measuring and wisdom. I will begin to delete curses from my mind's computer and my mouth. Any promises I make will be held true, otherwise I need to learn the wisdom of keeping my mouth shut.
Key goals of the 77 Commandments
1. Thou shall not cause suffering to humans.
5. Thou shall not cause suffering to others.
20. Thou shall not be impure.
21. Thou shall not refuse to listen to words of justice and truth.
51. Thou shall not act with insolence.
54. Thou shall not be impatient.
The seventy seven commandments. (n.d.). Retrieved March 17, 2011, from Non domesticated thinker
website: http://www.nondomesticatedthinker.com/2010/08/the-seventy-seven-commandments/
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