Relapse

Chaos by Ken Fermoyle

As of 3 weeks ago, I've had a gentle relapse... and by 'gentle,' I mean gentler than the behaviors that came before it. My other addictions became so far out of control, I became a person (now in hindsight) that I don't even recognize. Thank God I didn't have any accidents or kill myself or anyone else trying to drive home the way I was. My sexual addiction got the best of me, which caused an explosion in my home. Though forgiven, I was handed a pack of cigarettes and directed that the smoking addiction was one he could deal with, but no others.

It's been a rough ride. I have not decided that I will give up, but rather I'm experiencing a relapse and that is part of the addiction process. I won't be beating myself up about it. I'll be restarting to quit again, but some counseling and Wellbutrin is in my near future. The worse I make myself feel about this, the less likely I will ever quit again. This ain't the first time and won't be the last it seems.

At this point, I'm just trying and struggling to get some sense of normalcy back in my life. I hate that I'm an addict to anything, but I am. It also isn't just the smoking that I'm addicted to so it's definitely time for me to deal with it. I don't want to be stuck my entire life wondering why my life doesn't work. I want to make it work and feel good about myself, free of all addictions.

It's so funny to think back to a time before all this. How simple everything seemed, how much promise I had, how many opportunities. I breathed air as deeply as I've been inhaling booze. Back then, I drank in life. I woke up with the sun and lived graciously under it. Whatever happened to that?