Day 0

Hi, I'm Danielle and I'm a tobaccoholic...
(crowd whispers, "Hi Danielle.")

This ain't my first rodeo but I'm hoping that I can make this time last. I've quit for all my pregnancies and during breastfeeding. I've quit a couple times since then as well, only to return to the one lasting addiction I have... cigarettes. I restarted this last time because I felt overwhelmed with stress and the idea of tasting tobacco again seemed like a better and more better option to alleviate it. Now I'm back to square one, but this time not beating myself up about it with the confidence that I can quit again.

Okay, I'll start off with the many reasons I have for quitting smoking (again). To top my reasons is the health risk I place on my family while smoking since I can't seem to do this for myself. Even though I don't smoke around them, the oils from cigarettes stays on skin, hair, clothing, furniture, anything it can cling to. It still transfers to them when I don't want it to. I am adversely affecting their health and unnecessarily exposing them to more hazards when the general environment has enough already.

My boyfriend quit cocaine for me to maintain our relationship. It was no easy job but he did it because he knew he couldn't have both of us. It took fighting, rehab, a lot of tears and supreme effort on his part. It nearly destroyed our lives and affected both of us deeply. Cigarettes may not be as bad as cocaine, but he gave up his addiction for me. Perhaps it's my turn to put in my burnt offering (even though he hasn't asked that I do) so I can give what he gives to see our relationship through. I need to try again.

I started becoming a "real" smoker when I was with my ex-husband who smoked seemingly all day. Before then, I bought a pack of cigarettes maybe once every few months or more, smoked a few, then threw the pack away. I never was a real smoker before my toxic relationship with him that lasted nearly ten years. When we ended, I was extremely addicted to coffee and cigarettes and should have given up both then. I wanted to rid my life, as much as possible, of everything that came about during the time I was with him. This is the one thing that has lasted and it is a constant negative reminder of my time with him. I need to get over this so I can truly be free of him and all he represented in my life.

Before my ex, I was very much into natural and holistic things. Except for the occasional smoke, I bathed myself in frankincense and myrrh, wore ethnic clothing, practiced herbal medicines and natural healing. When my relationship began with him, I lost so much of myself that those things that I loved so dearly stopped as well. I miss the radiance in my skin, the thickness I had, the wonderful health and feeling good daily without mood swings. It's amazing to think that such a small stick I inhale several times a day can take all of that away. I now have hormonal imbalances that result in acne monthly, heart palpitations, bad sinus and congestion problems, chest tightness, unstable moods, decrease in weight when it's so hard to keep any on already, and snoring depending on how much I've smoked on a particular day. I've also stopped my yoga practice since resuming tobacco which has affected my body in many other ways. I need a return to that for inner peace as well as physical health.

My mother had a history of chronic bronchitis and asthma. She died in the time that it was considered to be a "terminal illness." She never smoked but worked in a law firm where everyone around her smoked in the office constantly despite her pleas for them to be considerate of her failing health. She initated a law suit against them that never came to completion due to her death. While I have always been a "considerate" smoker and would quickly move when non-smokers came to where I was smoking, it still stays in my head that the second hand smoke played a part in killing her. She would be worried for me now if she knew I smoked. Part of the reasons I started smoking, drinking and all the other addictions I had were due to her untimely death. I, being too young then to understand, blamed myself each time she became sick and was hospitalized. It just made it worse when she died and I bore the full weight of that for many years and acted out. Smoking was one of the outlets for my behaviors.

I have one cigarette left today before my journey begins again. I'm going to make the best of it and begin with a plan. In my experience from the other times, the first 48 hours are the hardest but can be worked through with patience and endurance. The cravings hit periodically throughout the day after that, but when waited out will last 10 to 15 minutes at a time. They shorten the longer my body is without nicotine. I am a smoker and will be a smoker the rest of my life, so I can never touch another cigarette again and I just have to deal with that fact. Due to the nature of addiction, there is no "I'll just have one" anymore. That logic got me to where I am today in the first place. I'll begin my journey with renewed confidence and pride that I'm doing something that not only positively affects myself but those around me. I hope and pray that my children are able to stay as far away from the habit as they can, that they are able to see how I struggle with it and are deterred.