2 Weeks, 4 Days

I almost feel that this countdown of days is becoming more somber. I'm beginning to recognize that the smoking was a mere "symptom" of some deeper problems. I am an addict in ways that were buried by the smoking, other ways that are now surfacing.

I've calmed down on the food, as the feeling of being overfull is nauseating and unpleasant to say the least. I still love my gummis and may be consuming too many of those, but it's the one thing that really appeals to the oral fixation aside from sucking on various objects not traditionally meant for sucking on. The electric smokeless cigarettes help marginally, as for now, the idea of the habit has passed and all I really want is a way to get the high I'm craving.

I've done more drinking in the past couple of weeks. I've always joked about how much I can drink, but I can drink and can do so every day, twice daily or continually in gradual amounts. This is one area that really scares me. The last thing I need is to leave a smoking addiction behind and pick up an alcohol addiction. So, for right now, I have not purchased anymore spirits of any kind. I don't drink until I'm drunk, but the point is not to drink just because I can't get to any tobacco or because I'm stressed.

Sex is another addiction I've fought for years, many in fact. It may seem like a cool addiction to have on the surface (as I've been told by a few men), but in reality it is extremely destructive. I am fortunate that I've adopted a group of people and a culture that facilitates and appreciates variety, mostly without sexual contact or exchange of body fluids. It feeds that desire without having to have someone penetrate me and I'm glad for it. However, lately, I have felt a strong urge to have that level of intensity with someone outside of my relationship. We are open to an extent, but this is just beyond that boundary and I'm standing at the edge of my cliff, looking over and leaning forward. The beginning of the cycle for me, the cycle that sucks me in until I'm possessed by it.

I still do have those pieces of nicotine gum and still have enough fear in me about them to not use them. I'm conflicted with the idea of returning a substance into my body that I've struggled to get out. It's that ex-boyfriend that was really good in bed, but after ending badly you still keep his number around (just in case). Yeah, just in case.

Posted by

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)