Day 14

It has been a tremendous battle for me lately. The cravings are severe and have lasted a lot longer than they had before. I have needed constant reminders as to 'why the hell I'm quitting in the first place.' For those days, I'm very happy to have started this blog as it has been a source of strength for me to come back to and re-read and re-focus. Headaches, light-headedness, dizziness, nausea, facial flushing... .

I'm beginning to believe the underlying reason I smoked was to settle some imbalance within my body. I go through these horrendous depression spells, deeper than any I've experienced in years. I can't shake them, I hate feeling so out of balance. My goal will be to go see my doctor by the end of this week for anti-depressants. I need to stabilize or I see this as being the reason I relapse and begin smoking again. The habit of the motions, I'm fine without those, but the depression ignites furious cravings that bring me to my knees.

I've been continuing with the incense and slowed some on the spiritual baths. Thank the gods, I've had plenty of rainwater to work with. I need to go get a larger tank. These things have been a source of great comfort for me and have helped me to make it through some of the most uncertain moments.

Gummi bears continue to be another source of comfort. If I combine gummis and incense, man! My brain is off on a journey. I guess it helps to be an addict, lol. We can make ourselves addicted to whatever we want to and get similar effects. Sex is even better.

An unexpected suggestion and support this weekend at work though. A worker told me that she had quit smoking almost 10 years ago. She handed me 2 pieces of nicotine gum and told me that the only way she could make it all those years was to have an emergency stock of nicotine gum handy. She said she didn't use it to quit but keeps it on those occasions when the craving overtakes you, kind of like that red box with the pull switch to alert for a fire. Never need it, but it's there in case you do. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I haven't had any nicotine in my system for 14 days now and am afraid to take any. I will, however, keep those nicotine gums at hand in case of an emergency. As a true addict, I know that if caught in a situation of holding that stick again I may never be able to put it back down.